Hmmm,, when my own modesty, and subsequent perceived vanity was recently put in question, I was prompted to explore a particular quandary of mine that I have struggled with since middle school. A little history: I was really goofy-looking as a kid,, big buck teeth, straight hair that still managed to look messed up, freckles, etc. But I didn’t care, I was a kid,, and all I cared about was building forts out in the back yard, blowing up GI Joe’s with firecrackers, and shooting my pellet gun. But then middle school came around, and I went through a classic “awkward” stage where I got braces for my teeth, I tried to do my hair with a bunch of gel and hairspray, my face had some acne,,,,, I even used some of my own money to buy clothes since I didn't think the nice clothes my mom bought for me were "hip" enough,,, etc. etc.. I was very shy, self-conscious, had a low self-image, socially timid,,,, you get the picture. In fact, I labeled myself one of the geeky kids--not too popular (even though I had one really good friend),,, not too smooth with the girls,,, etc. It was really a tough time in my life. For good reason? Of course not,, but at the time it seemed horrible to be me.
Then high school came around and I kinda made a “transition”. Braces came off, acne went away, met an incredible group of friends, had some success dating. Anyway,, I slowly gained the positive self-esteem/self-image that I lacked for so many years. And by the time college rolled around, I really felt as though I had “arrived”!! I suppose it came from feedback (especially from the opposite sex),, but regardless of how it came about,,, it did. And I began liking who I was. Is that “shallow”? Not sure, but it’s the truth. It’s funny how as we mature, we realize that all those criteria for self-worth when we were younger aren’t as important anymore.. But back to my history,,,, that’s where my quandary began….
Looking back, it’s my estimation that through the “stages” of life that I described to you,, I was every bit as personable throughout, every bit as beautiful in my own right (so to speak),,, every bit as supported by friends and family--basically I know that I was the same person. So why did I feel so differently about myself across the stages? Well, it all comes down to self-confidence. But I’ve realized, after countless instances of feedback, that there’s a fine line between self-confidence and arrogance,,,,,,,, positive self-image and vanity,,,,,,, positive self-esteem and being self-absorbed,,, even the difference between liking the way you look (a good thing),, and being narcissistic (a bad thing) is a really fine line. The “formers” are all generally accepted as healthy and positive, while the “latters” are all generally accepted as character flaws.
The bottom line for me, is that I know that I’ve been the same person for the last 30 years, but I like the way that I am when I am confident about myself. And quite frankly, I think that I’m far more fun to be around for others too, when I bring that confidence to social situations. I really don’t view it as a bad thing. However, the question arises that when I bring that confidence to those social situations, and when I openly show it in various ways,,, am I “flaunting” myself—physically or otherwise. I sincerely hope not. It’s just who I am. I’m proud of what I’ve become—proud of my beliefs, proud of my accomplishments, and comfortable with myself around others. Does that make me conceited? I really hope not. I also consider myself warm, caring, compassionate, thoughtful,,,, and generous. And believe me,,, I take much more joy and satisfaction out of others’ accolades/successes than I do my own. If asked whether I would prefer to see one of my Airmen be awarded a medal for an effort that we both accomplished,, or if I would prefer to receive the medal myself,,, I know for a fact I would say the Airman--in a heartbeat. The significance of this sentiment on this discussion is that I believe that motivation for a particular action is critical in determining righteousness. If one volunteers his time for purely charitable purposes, this is a commendable activity; but if the individual is volunteering his time to look good in the eyes of others, then the nobility of the activity itself is severely diminished.
I’ve always struggled with what it means to be humble. And for that matter, what it means to be modest. Was it immodest “flaunting” to put up a picture of myself out fishing on my blog—just because I wasn’t wearing a shirt? Millions of people a day don’t wear shirts—public pools, beaches, construction sites, jogging paths, etc… To illustrate where I’m coming from,,,, it didn’t even cross my mind that the photo would be interpreted as “immodest or posted for ulterior motives” until it was questioned by a friend. I just thought it was a cool photo with the water,, and the boat,, and the lighthouse in the background. But that’s the thing,, sometimes such interpretations are in the eye of the beholder—perception becomes reality,, so I appreciated the feedback. Is it frustrating to me? Yeah,, a little. When my intent with a photo, or a comment,, or a joke,, or even a move on the dance floor is completely different than the way it is interpreted,, then it’s a little disappointing. What’s “appropriate” to some,,, may not be “appropriate” to others,,,, and therein lies the aforementioned quandary. Should I be true to myself, and be the person that I am comfortable being—knowing in my heart that my confidence is not rooted in conceit, vanity, arrogance, narcissism, self indulgence, and the like?? Or do I conform to the societal norms of others who simply reside in a different zone on the social spectrum? To illustrate, Queen Victoria had her subjects killed if their tablecloths didn’t reach the floor… Why you ask? Because she felt as though they were being immodest by exposing the legs of their dinner tables…. Even today,, traditional Muslims require their women to wear full coverage burkas and abayas so that not a single square inch of flesh is exposed. It is considered inappropriate for them to speak unless asked a direct question, and they are required to walk 10 paces behind their husbands. Do I blame them for their traditions? Well, let me just say that I think they are entitled to exercise their own culture in their own way. I fear that in that case the high degree of perceived “modesty” is actually oppressive to women,, but that’s because I look at it from a Western societal point of view. Perhaps their women don’t view it as oppressive at all. Most Muslims would be absolutely abhorred to see any public swimming pool here in the US on any given summer day. Does that mean we’re wrong? Immoral? On the opposite end of the spectrum, African tribal nations wear next to nothing as normal everyday attire,, and it isn’t even questioned within their culture, there’s no taboo associated with it—it’s normalcy for them. We know that European culture embraces going “topless” as acceptable and appropriate—even in public places such as beaches, swimming pools, spas, even public parks. Should we as American’s judge them as disgustingly immodest,,, stick our noses up in the air, and say how much of a higher moral standard we hold ourselves to than they? I honestly don’t know. Who is the “authority” on such matters? Even religious leaders within the same church have struggled to clearly define this and other moral ambiguities.
All I know with absolute certainty is what’s in my own heart. I know for sure that I wasn’t “flaunting” myself by posting a cool fishing photo to my blog in which I happened to have removed my shirt—because it was a hot sunny day. Furthermore,, I don’t negatively judge those African people that I see on the Discovery channel as licentious and immoral simply because their culture dictates a different clothing standard than ours. Conversely, nor do I judge the Amish or Mennonite folks that insist on wearing leggings, long dresses, high collars, long sleeves, and bonnets everywhere they go in order to maintain their Puritan morality standard. Without knowing what’s in another’s heart, it is difficult to pass judgment in this matter. It’s all about intent. If Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are attempting to objectify themselves by selling their exposed skin to the camera, then I do interpret that as immodest. But if an attractive female goes to the beach with her family and wears a bikini to look good for her herself and her husband,, maybe add a little spice to their marriage,,, boost her husband’s ego by never leaving his side,,, boosting her own ego by getting compliments from her friends,,, to basically feel good about herself,, and to be comfortable in her own self-actualized state,,, then I really don’t see that as immodest,, and certainly not immoral. If that same woman is wearing a string bikini in hopes of attracting some random young guy at the beach for a one night stand to cheat on her husband,,, then yeah,, that’s bad,,, and certainly immoral. Same woman,, same attire,,, different intent,, and subsequently different judgment passed… Folks that would judge that faithful woman who is merely showing off the 15 pounds that she worked off over the winter as immoral,,, perhaps should take a look at themselves and determine the origins of their malice towards her.. Jealousy? Moral snobbery? Their own personal insecurities? And maybe because our society seems to award the taller, more attractive, more out-going, better dressed, and better presented individuals with promotions, social invitations, professional and social opportunities of all kinds,,,,,, those of us that don’t feel as though we fit into the above categories feel threatened by those folks that do. So,, should we blame those individuals for our own issues? I think not.
But all that ideological philosophizing aside,,, we live in a mixed society where certain actions are “acceptable and appropriate” to some, but “unacceptable and inappropriate” to others—for the very same action! In order for us as individuals to navigate through these moral straits of uncertainty, we must realize that there are differences among us. Much like it may be okay to spit and belch around “the boys” at the bar or out fishin’,,,, those same actions are definitely not appropriate around ladies at a nice dinner out,,,,,, we must recognize those differences within society too. Just because it’s okay to go topless on the French Riviera, doesn’t mean it’s okay to go topless at the public pool near the community center in Topeka, Kansas. In the end, it’s all about respect. Even though I don’t think that I should be judged for a particular action simply because my upbringing and moral standard is different than that of somebody else, I DO think that I should be respectful of that person’s upbringing and moral standard in their presence. Is this an easy thing to do? Certainly not,,, especially considering there truly isn’t an all-encompassing moral police to set the standard for all to follow. But as long as all of us within our own society recognize each others’ differences and consciously attempt to respect one another, we can attempt to live a more harmonious (and less offensive) existence…
